Sheltering Hope

A Note re: An Open Apology to Former Roomates

No, Kristin you weren't the bad. None of my roomates ever have been. And I had TOTALLY forgotten about the morning you woke up and said, "I Bring Good News, Childbirth doesn't hurt.". . of course, given your expereince in this area, that prediction was totally right. . . right?? :)

******
Last week after our first dr. appointment and ultra sound, I came home and opened a devotional book from one of my favorite authors, (Macrina Wiederkehr). She is the most delightful, and insightful Catholic nun. I had put the book away several months ago, (my short attention span), but it was what I pulled out last week. I had left off at the section titled, "Standing on Tiptoe; The Season of HOPE". . The first reading: Hoping in Darkness: Several thoughts to share. . one striking given the incidents of last Monday at Virginia Tech. . .

"Our vision is limited. We need so desperatly to learn how to hope more completely in all those little bits of life scattered through our days. We need to be so very careful lest we throw someone away because of our lack of hope in their potential, their possibility to be. We need to believe in that mystery within, even when the mystery seems so pale and small we can hardly call it by its true name, Life."

Doen't she have a way with words?? "careful lest we throw someone away because of OUR lack of hope in their potential." I've thought so much about the people who live in the margins, that I don't take the time to see. . people like the young shooter at Virginia Tech. . who lived in the margins. May I have eyes to see the margins.

Most readings include a poem. As I read her poetry, I understand the power of poetry.

"It is good to remember:
We do not give birth to ourselves.
We give birth to others
by believing in that first, small spark of life
the spark we barely see.

It is called hope.
It is immensely helpful
at birth."

It was really striking to read the evening when I saw for the first time. . .our "small spark of life". . It is called "hope".

I was struck a couple of weeks ago by Psalms 139

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. . " (13-14)

It's easy to think this expereince is "my" expereince (being nauseas, tired, growing belly). . but what I realized is God's at work in my womb, it's not really about me, it's about God knitting "hope" together in my womb. (Or Sheltering Hope) I'm just the conduit. This Psalm isn't about me. . . it's about 'giving birth to others". It just struck me as so profound, and so eloquently reinforced by Macrina's poetry.

Anyway. . deep thoughts.

Really, no matter where on your Journey to or away from God. . Macrina Wiederkehr's books are amazing, and so profoundly beautiful. The book i'm savoring is: Season's of Your Heart: Prayers and Reflections: Faith, Mystery, Love, Hope and Wonder.

Winds of Change. . .

It's official. I'm really pregnant! We had our first Dr. appointment yesterday. Todd was such an amazing sport for going with me!

Impressions: There are lots of pregnant ladies in the waiting room. Now, I guess this is obvious, and to be expected.(no pun intended) I almost laughed out loud when we walked into the doctor's office. I don't know what I was expecting (again, no pun). . but man, there were lots of big bellies! We ended up waiting about three yes 3 hours to see the doctor. He had to leave after we'd been waiting for close to an hour to deliver a baby! I guess that's probably to be expected at an OB/GYN. . again, all new to me! After what seemed like FOREVER we finally did get in, weighted, questioned, and again, told to wait. . . .

When the doctor finally did come in, and start our exam. . . well I won't go into detail. . but Todd was a REAL sport. I was quite relieved when the doctor said, "Yep, your definitely pregnant." I knew I wasn't making the whole thing up. . but. . .

The best part was when we got to see the little one. Doctor did an ultra-sound, and we could clearly see the head, hands, feet, I'm sure I can even see the tiny nose! As we were watching. . so amazing. . the little one waved at us! REALLY. . I know, I know. . but it did, it's little hands were moving around. I missed the heart beating because I was so focused on watching it's little hands moving, waving and gesturing. . I think she might follow after me and talk with her hands!! :) She. . or He. . . I'm convinced we're having a boy because I'm eating all the time, not vomiting and I've lost 5 pounds. And on Grey's Anatomy I heard that caring a boy takes 10% more energy/calories than girls. So clearly, with Grey's Anatomy as my medical backup. . it has to be a boy. But then at the Doctor's office, in my hours of reading, I came across a Chinese Horoscope/Calendar, which has been around for thousands of years, and they claim is 99% accurate, which states that someone who is 31 and conceives in February, WILL have a girl. I've got a Chinese Soul, and love all things Chinese. . . So now, I'm in a real bind. Good news is, one theory is completely correct! (or something like that) I'll see if I'm smart enough to post a picture of our little one. Right now, I KNOW I'm not that smart.

When we finally left the office. . it was WAY past my dinner time. We stopped and got Chinese takeout. . . they only included one fortune cookie. . the fortune. . "THE COMING MONTHS SHALL BRING WINDS OF CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE".

How appropriate!

An Open Apology to All Former Roomates

I use to be a morning person. One of those people who's eyes popped open with the sun, and started talking about 3 seconds after that. (no coffee required). I have even been known to RUN three, four, five, six miles before 6:30 in the morning. Total 100% morning person.

That USE to be me, about 11 weeks ago, all that changed. It must be some cosmic "getting back" from all the dear women who've lived with me over the years, who weren't quite so perky, and who put up with me anyway. . . To them. . most notably, Gina, Kristin and Emily. . . My humblest apologies. I didn't know.

Take Saturday morning for example. My dear, sweet husband woke up, and TALKED to me. Like I care that he's going to get up and make French Roast Coffee in his French Press. Is that needful information first thing in the morning?? Then, THEN, he asked me,

"do you need anything?"

I know there was nothing but love and good intentions behind those dear words. . but really, that early in the morning? Them's fighting words. I was barely able to mumble through my foggy brain,

"Put in toast" (this whole 'being with child' requires much fuel, and immedietly in the morning) To which he replied, (oh, so cleverly)
"Put toast in what?"
Must we delve into this amount of detail so early in the morning? Isnt' it clear.

"IN THE TOASTER". .

"oh, so you would like me to put a piece of bread in the toaster, to be toasted?!". . .

The details, the converstaion, such dribble, so early! It was almost more than I could take. I couldn't believe the nerve, the chipperness, the clear thought process. . so early. . When I did wake up. . . three hours later (Oh, I got out of bed soon after that, I had toast to eat!, but I didn't wake up for hours aftewards) I realized, I use to be a morning person, I use to have converations, I use to talk, I use to bounce out of bed and annoy people with my chipperness and alertness. . . oh, sweet memories.

So, to each roommate who's shared a room, a kitchen and home with me. . who's had to stumble their way to the coffee machine, and try and talk with Amy before getting coffee. . . I'm sorry. I didn't know. I FULLY understand, I'll try and be much better, less chipper, less talkative, less "bouncy" first thing in the morning, it's really uncalled for!

Let's Get Started.

I'm always being asked "Are you writing", especially now that I'm pregnant, "Are you keeping a journal?" I'm not. But I think now I'll start, and what better way to do that, then on a Blog, it seems "everyone is doing it!"

We're 10 weeks along. All my books say that the little one is about the size of a plum, and that it's arms and legs are about the size of a 1. It's elbows and knees work, and it's heart has started beating. . and it's kidney is working to. I'm not sure where the baby urine goes, but evidently it's making some!

I think that I'm starting to turn some sort of corner, we have two weeks left in this first trimester, and everyone says there is a marked difference in the second trimester.. I can feel some of the nausea and the constant need to eat going away (sort of) and I even stayed up until 10 one night this week. . although I did sleep two hours the next day. . but really, I think I'm turning a corner. I feel like I'm in a little bit of a wierd stage, feeling better, but by looking at me you really can't tell anything. . . all my jeans still fit. . . So have I just made this whole thing up? We have our first doctor's appointmnt next Tuesday, so I guess we'll know more then.

I'm tutoring some students in Ponoma on Tuesdays after school. It's a real riot. (and I mean the literally and figuratively) There are a whole bunch of kids, I'm suppose to work with the older girls. There are kids of all ages, and who am I to send them away if they have homework that needs to get done. . .So we've been doing story problems. . . Diane takes whatever two numbers she sees first and ALWAYS adds them together. We're starting to make progress, like READING the problem all the way through. I told her the first week, "Listen, you are letting the people who write story problems WIN when you don't read the problem. You're not the kind of girl who let's other win like that.". . Terysh is a junior and doing ALGEBRA. . . aiyiyiy. Last week they asked me how many kids I had. In their world everyone has lots of kids, so the fact I didn't have any, I think they thought I was lying. When I said, "but I am going to have a baby. . " It's funny how kids eyes go STRAIGHT to your stomach. It was like, "Whatcha talking about?" The oldest girl when I said I was 10 weeks along knew EXACTLY what was going on with the baby. I was pretty impressed. She is talking childcare in school. . and really learning something. She wants to either be a peditrician or a 2nd grade teacher. :) They said to me, "So do you like in a real big fancy house?". . . I didn't know what to say, because no, not really. But then again, I know where some of them live, and how many people live with them. We meet next door to a church, behind a home, and eveyweek there are more and more people spilling out of the house. . . I have no idea how many live there. . . so in all honesty. . . Yeah, I live in a real big house.

So. . . 10 weeks and counting!